Hello blog world...I am emotionally conflicted today. I am sitting at my desk about to call it a day, and I have a heavy feeling in my heart. I am excited to see my family, and enjoy this beautiful weather, but thoughts of my brother not being here are getting overwhelming. I feel like I stayed strong in the first few months of his passing, but now, I miss him more and more everyday.
The very thought of going to play with my kids, and knowing that he can't play with his, rips my heart right out of my chest. I would burn everything I own to have him back for one minute. You really NEVER know true pain unless you have lost someone that you have shared your WHOLE life with. I lost someone that thought, even when I was an ugly little girl with scraggly hair, and skinned up knees, that I was the prettiest little girl in the world. Or someone that took up for me and made me feel special. Someone that included me in his life, even though I was the annoying little sister.
I think what hurts the most is knowing that my kids, and his kids will not get to share 28 years of him like I did. It makes me angry, and sad, and frustrated. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I write this because the emotions in me are just dying to get out.
His picture hangs on my office wall, and the look in his eyes reminds me of his approval for me. There is this content look on his face that everything will be okay. That was what he always said to me, "Sis...it'll be alright."
I miss him so bad, but I am so thankful for my 28 years to have had him in the first place. What a kind beautiful person to have in my life. Christmas' would have been so boring without him, and my childhood a lot less fulfilled. So now I get to map out my future without him, and it's a journey I never wanted to embark upon. I wanted him around for all Christmas' to come.
Now all I can do is look up at his picture and know that he loved me, and loved life. I'll remember the happy times, and how much he meant to me.
If anyone reads this, please call your siblings, and the others in your life that mean something to you and tell them. Make it a point everyday to display random acts of kindness! Call your mom just to say I love you. Call your friend you haven't talked to in a while. They might need you. And hug your loved ones every time you see them. They might be gone tomorrow.
So as I look at the beautiful world outside blooming with promise, and can't help but know that God has a plan for our whole family. He has a reason for everything. I pray that God gets me through it, and my family through it. But I pray most for his family he left behind.
Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
